Oingles The Blog

Ever wanted to be a celebrity? Well, although you can’t walk around your own town pretending to be something you are not there is no reason one can’t spend one’s holidays under a guise that is not their own. Here are a few (not too serious) instructions as to how you can do so yourself, and on a budget too, so there’s no reason you can’t jet off to the south of France signing autographs at the weekend 🙂

Step 1:
Take your credit card and shoot off to the high street, you need to dress more or less like this: (with a pair of enormous, face blocking sunglasses too)

Pic: http://www.ministryoffashion.com

Step 2:
Get online and book yourself a pair of flights to one of the following destinations:
Cannes, Cote d’Azur, France
Marbella, Costa del Sol, Spain
Rome, Italy.
Zadar, Dalmation Coast, Croatia.

Now, it is of vital importance that you travel in coach, where there will be lots of ‘normal’ people to see you. Secondly, get whoever you are traveling with to carry their camera out-of-case, preferably around their neck and avoid talking to them too much. You need to walk into the queue, onto the plane, and into your seat with swagger – making sure that you are slow enough for everyone in the vicinity to notice you.

Step 3:
It doesn’t matter where you stay, your hotel room is just for the night and I advise you get the cheapest one you can so that you can spend more money being in the limelight. Spend the entire day perched on the beach, sunglasses firmly on face and have your camera-holding friend bring you drinks form the chiringuito. From midday onwards it is vital that you drink nothing other than cocktails. Ideally you will make loud comments about having to break up your drinking with ‘at least two litres of water per day for your skin’ and needing ‘an orange juice to take your vitamin supplements with’.

As for evening meals ensure that everyone sees you eating, and hears you ordering, a salad. A few comments about weight and image wouldn’t go amiss here. Make the salad last at least three hours. Follow it with coffee. During the meal drink wine, no matter how cheap, just make sure it is in an ice bucket so as to hide the label from any onlookers.

Walk around the street as much as possible, this lets more people see you. Getting onto the guest list at the biggest clubs in town is important, but it’s actually quite easy, just get in contact with the club manager the week before (you can get their numbers on the web, usually facebook) If you have someone call as your ‘agent’ they will often be happy to give you free guest list entry, with free champagne. I advise you revel in the experience of marching past the queue straight into the action.

Step 4:
Switch places with your friend for the second day and flight home, allowing them to be the celeb and you the camera flasher.

Try this a few times, don’t push it too far though. After a while you will reach perfection, getting discounts and free drinks pretty much everywhere. I personally do this every time I travel, although I have only tried the ‘camera holding friend’ trick once, and on that occasion I actually got asked about my life and what I was doing in Spain.

Last tips:

  • Never speak for yourself, always have your friend order for you
  • At all times you should  have a copy of Vogue, or Vogue Homme for the guys (even if you don’t actually read it)
  • Make constant references to previous trips you have made to Paris, the Caribbean and London.
  • Always be over dressed, no matter how hot.

So there you go, your 4 steps to being a celebrity in Europe 😉
Cya

James.
xx

This is a TV commercial over here, the first time I saw it I knew I had to get other people to see it 😉

Hope you liked her 🙂

Pay the chicken back back, pay the chicken back 🙂

Let’s assess our lives.

You’re rich,
You want more.

You have lots of friends,
You want different ones.

You have great skills,
You want to be good at something else.

You have a great career,
You wish you had ‘that‘ job, or ‘this‘ job.

You have a lovely child,
You wish it has a little brother or sister to play with.

You live an a flat,
But wish you had a garden.

You live in a house,
You wish you had a balcony.

JEEEEEEEEEEEES-US!

We do like to moan, don’t we?

But we love it.

Keep moaning people,
James
xx

Here is the Jessie J that you are used to seeing, the one who has taken the worldwide music industry by storm. Flying the British flag with her and letting people known of her roots at every opportunity. Everybody loves her. Or so they claim. There are too many people telling me now-a-days that they loved her from the beginning – that they followed her from the humble Youtube days. Yet you ask them to name  one song that she sang online and they can’t give you an answer, not without googling it anyway.

I, on the other hand, did follow Jessie J on youtube, at least for the second half of her ‘tenure’ there. I constantly claimed that her rendition of I Have Nothing was amazing. Yet nobody listened to me.

Now, I am not saying that I was the only one who saw her talent. She had a huge following, hundreds of fans who were more into her than me. Her original songs were being covered even though she had never released them professionally. She really was what you would call a Youtube sensation. But still, she was unknown at a professional level, and beyond a few live performances she was just a young girl, singing to a web camera in her pyjamas. Then…

BAM!
Do it like a dude is released and all of a sudden the whole world has been following her for the last year and always knew she had the talent to be world class.

Ridiculous.

It just makes me laugh that people claim to have been listening to her years before, when they blatantly were not.

So come on people. Let’s not try to make ourselves seem like bigger fans with stupid claims. Just appreciate the music that you have actually listened to. I am certainly not complaining about the tracks she has released as singles, and I am always looking forward to the next one. So Go Jessie J! XD

Oh and, you might want to download her album. Gotta support the home grown talent 😉

[Do It Like A Dude] [I Have Nothing]

Love y’all,
James.
xx

Let’s keep this one short and sweet. I just want to confirm with you guys that the female world powers (poweresses?) are completely insane!


Dilma Rousseff – President of Brazil

This lady is wonderful. Utterly wonderful.
Her list of extravagances include causing a state of ‘Dilma fever’ throughout Bulgaria during her election campaign, they even sent their prime minister there to invite her to Bulgaria to see them. Interestingly she had never been there before.

Also, Brazil held a grand concert that lasted most of the day and night for her in order to celebrate her presidency. What did she do? She left within the first half hour to throw her own private international party in a five star hotel. GOOD FOR HER!


Angela Merkel
Prime Minister of Germany

Firstly, she is German. Therefore she is instantly awesome.

Now the extravagant behaviour. After receiving a letter form the Iranian government containing some not so nice words about Israel and it’s Jewish community she refused to have any further contact with them. BLANKING the Iranian president until a subject change was agreed.

The best? She has become rather famous internationally after it was revealed that she explained to her cabinet that the German society wasn’t working correctly, there was a clear divide between Christians and Muslims. Her solution? The Muslims should conform to the Christian society of Germany or ”this is not the place to be” Well, a little harsh I suppose. But I have a feeling that her words were twisted, at least slightly.

And there’s no need at all to mention the former British prime Sinister Margaret Thatcher, who single handedly destroyed the country, and got to work on the rest of the World before we could do anything about her. Fortunately she is now a little old lady with very little ability to do any harm. But still, as far as psychotic political women go, she was up there with the best!

So there you have it, psycho women in charge of the biggest countries in the world.
Good for them.
The b-loody lunatics.

James.
xx

I am a goldfish.

A goldfish lives in it’s own little world, inside it’s glass bowl. It has it’s own life there. Yet it can also see out of the bowl. To the rest of the world  around it.

We are the same.

In today’s society human beings live inside their own fish bowl, this being their day to day lives. Technology, namely the internet, is the window out to the rest of the world.

I only started thinking about this a week ago, when I made my blog. I began to realize that there are so many different people, doing so many different things, in so many different places. It just makes me want to do one thing:

Break out.

Fortunately for us, we can break out. It isn’t difficult. We have the freedom to leave our fish bowl, unlike that little goldfish. We can visit the other parts of the world. Experience what it has to offer. And for that we should be grateful.

Here’s something else to think about though, we all want to break out – and we do.

But where do we always end up?

Home. Our fish bowl.
I am a goldfish, are you?

James.
xx

God Bless the Queen! She really is the dog’s bollocks!

Ok so, maybe you wouldn’t use that particular idiom there. But you catch my drift. Us Brits have a wonderful array of little sayings that we use to often we don’t realize we are doing it. I guess that can get a little confusing, so here is my collaboration of all the best bits from British English and it’s idioms. It would be cool if you could leave a comment letting me know if any of them are used in your part of the world!

Bloody hell! That one’s mad as a hatter! Seriously! That man is completely mad!
Up the duff / Preggers Pregnant
Keep your hair on! Calm down!
Gordon Bennet! No way!
Poor Maggy popper her cloggs then? Poor Margaret died.
Those Americans could talk the hind legs off a donkey Americans talk too much.
And Bob’s your uncle! Say this at the end of instructions to say ‘et voila!’ or, ‘success!’ *
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You have to try things
Out of the frying pan into the fire. Straight from one problem to another
Every cloud has a silver lining. To every problem there is a bright side, a good thing.
My favourite:
As queer as a nine bob note. Extraordinarily strange/weird

 

*Put the teabag in the cup, pour the water on, stir, add milk and Bob’s your uncle!

So there you have it!
A nice cheerful blog post, for a change.
I hope you get to use these little finds, they are great, are they not?
Thanks for reading, as always.

Love,
Jamie.
xx

 

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