Oingles The Blog

Posts Tagged ‘funny

Living in Blackpool it is not by any means uncommon for one to come across a few drunken individuals, especially on a Friday or Saturday night. Therefore I have decided to make a post apropos of the atypical and rather amusing behaviour that I have seen from the local ‘drunkards’.

I shall begin with the the most recent of my encounters with a drunk. This occurred a few nights ago, whilst walking from a bar to my home I witnessed a gentleman (who had clearly enjoyed one too may) attempt to stop a road full of fast traveling cars, insisting that he was going to perform opera and required an audience. Needless to say no cars stopped, and when he got too dangerous the police involved themselves. This ‘provoked’ him into beginning his concert, giving me the pleasure of hearing ‘Volare ohhhhh bam bare oh oh bam baaaam’ in a high pitched squeal.
Drunk rating:

Secondly I will mention a simple story, one that I shouldn’t find amusing as the person involved came very close to serious personal injury. Whilst sitting on my parent’s balcony enjoying my own alcoholic beverage my attention was drawn to a distraught neighbour who appeared to be climbing out of her upstairs window screaming for help .I immediately panicked, assuming she must be in danger. I panicked even more when i saw her fall from the window and crash through her greenhouse. (I feel this needs an exclamation mark)

Horrific, right? Well no. Because it was later revealed that she was attempting to escape a renegade dustbin which, after a select amount of alcohol, had turned nasty and attempted to kill her. The lady was fine, and not surprisingly she has now left the area.
Drunk rating:

My final story refers to myself, as I am partial to a bottle of spirit or three myself. After spending a night on the town with friends I realized it was time to open shop and start serving. This is at 7AM, when I am still completely worse for ware and my staff are all starring at me expectantly. Due to my level of intoxication was was more than a little merry and chose to stand at the door greeting customers myself. It was going well:

This lasted a whole thirty minutes before I got insulted by a drag artist (keep in mind that on all other occasions I love a good man in drag, they are funny). On this one however my drunken mind took great offense to the insult I received.

My reaction?
“HE’S A F***ING MAN!” I screamed, whilst ripping his wig from his head and flinging it out into the street, we shared an argument of shouts before my family were called to remove me from the premises. This was the most embarrassing moment in my life.
Drunk rating:

So there you go people. Three stories of drunkards. Hope you enjoyed.
Jamie
xx

Salut mes petits amours! After the runaway (cough) success of my German Insults post I decided to seek inspiration from another race who are known to be quite frivolous with their words, the French. So here are my favourite romantic French phrases for you to try out on your other half.

Je vis d’amour et d’eau douce | I live on love and fresh water
(50% of my french friends insist on ‘douce’. the other 50% and some others insist it’s fraiche)
Que mes baisers soient les mots d’amour que je ne te dis pas | My kisses are the unspoken words of love!
Je respire l’odeur de ton corps | I breath the smell of your body (don’t use if they stink)
Fait-il chaud ici, ou c’est juste toi? | Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?
Comme si j’étais la lune et tu étais les étoiles. | As if I were the moon and you were the stars

For the homosexuals amongst us:
Je préfère les rapports anaux | I prefer anal persuits
Un peu de plastique n’est pas un probleme pour moi! | A little plastic is not a problem for me!

Ok, so the last ones aren’t genuinely romantic, I found them on comedy sites. But you liked them, right? ;) (& sorry if they offended you moody readers)

So, there you go, my second post of the day. I would like you to remember this as the rennaisance of my blogging career, my return to posting after a three day break :P

Au revoir mes amours,

James
XX

If you don’t already know German then you will know just how funny it sounds, especially if you shout it in an angry voice. It kind of sounds like you are spitting the insult at someone 😉 So here we go with the German insults:

Ps; the English translations are the closest normal phrase that we would say, rather than a direct translation.

DU BIST EIN DUMMKOPF! – YOU ARE A FOOL!
Du blöde Kuh – You Stupid Cow!
Arschgesicht – AssFace
Du bist der Dorftrottel – You’re the Village Idiot!
Hurensohn – Son of bitch!
Leck mich am arsch – Lick my ass!


And now for my favourite:
ich hab deine freudin gefickt , aber leider war sie nicht so gut wie deine mutter!
I fucked your girlfriend, but sadly, she was not as good a fuck as your Mother!

So now you are fully equipped to deal with any unfriendly situation you may find yourself in in Germany. A little tip that I learned is to refer to a German as an animal, they seem to hate it. Also, if you want to sink really low, you can call them a Nazi… but that’s just going a bit too far 🙂

Adíos,
Jamie xx
🙂


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